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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443546">Michelle's Adventures in Drinking</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweepo/pseuds/Sweepo'>Sweepo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Derry Girls (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:35:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,406</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443546</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweepo/pseuds/Sweepo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting a drink in Derry can be tricky.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Firing up The Lebanese</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Firing Up The Lebanese.</p><p>It had started much like many other nights in Derry, they’d met at Erin’s and had a bite to eat.  Then they’d all congregated in Erin’s room to dissect the week’s gossip, rumours were going around the school that Jenny Joyce had gotten a boyfriend, from the Waterside.</p><p>“It’s true so it is, Roisin Doherty said she saw them holding hands on Castle Street, she reckons she followed them down to the museum of Free Derry and the wee lad panicked about going in.”</p><p> “Sure Roisin Doherty couldn’t follow anyone quietly.  When we did dancing at school she made Mr Bojangles sound like Boxer Beat!”</p><p>“That was my kind of video, bunch of rides stomping on tables in a chippy.”</p><p>“Aye she does have a heavy gait.”</p><p>“The gate of the city would be lighter.. CAREFUL ORLA!” </p><p>In her usual carefree way Orla had bounced into the room but unfortunately for her Michelle’s 1/3 full bottle of smurf (another of Dennis’s brands) had been on the edge of the bed and despite their best efforts had upended itself.</p><p>“That’s £8 you owe me Orla!”</p><p>“Calm down Michelle, she didn’t mean it.”</p><p>“Sorry Michelle but think about all the wee blue men that had to make you thon drink.”</p><p>Although cursing herself for leaving the bottle balanced precariously Michelle was unable to stay mad at Orla and told her it was OK but they’d have to take a trip into town for a new bottle.  She’d also promised the wee blue men would be fine.</p><p>The job of getting Michelle a drink proved, however, to be less easy than anticipated.</p><p>Their first stop was of course Dennis’s wee shop but it was closed.  The flashing light of a TV could be seen but Erin reminded Michelle that Little House: A New Beginning was starting that night.</p><p>Unable to get served by a new member of staff in The Gainsborough and with Macca in Maghaberry she’d trailed them all over the town looking for somewhere to sell her some booze.  </p><p>After coming up dry in the last offy she could think of the group walked up the Carlisle Road and past a couple of eateries.  After sending Claire into an Italian only for her to virtually crap herself over a maitre’d the size of Monte Bianco they were about to call it a night when they spotted a Lebanese restaurant called Byblos.</p><p>Pushing her way through the front door and with the rest trailing in her wake Michelle found herself in an atmospherically lit room with white walls and brown drapes.  There were a few couples in various stages of their meals and a couple of bored looking waiters were in the corner by what appeared to be the kitchen door.</p><p>As the door closed behind them a blonde woman in her early forties approached the group and ushered them to a table believing them to be diners.  Orla was of course hungry and wanted to eat but Michelle reminded her why they were there.</p><p>A few moments later one of the waiters, a short, swarthy man in his mid-thirties approached the table to take their order.</p><p>“Welcome to Byblos, Derry’s first Lebanese restaurant.  Do you know what you wish to order?”</p><p>“Aye mate a bottle of vodka and five of whatever they’re eating.” </p><p>The waiter hesitated momentarily at the order before replying.</p><p>“I’m sorry, this is a BYOB restaurant but if you want we can call an order down to Drinx for you.”</p><p>Michelle blanched somewhat at this but realising it might be the only way to get her bottle she agreed and James ducked out to get it.</p><p>“Here I hope this doesn’t cost too much Michelle, Daddy didn’t give Orla and me much money coming out.”</p><p>“Don’t panic, that’s Claire’s job.  Anyway James finally got some dosh off his ma and I swiped me ma’s credit card just in case.  Plus look at the stuff they’re eating.  Here Mr what is that”</p><p>Michelle had rounded on a deeply tanned middle aged couple who appeared to be eating leaves with a mixture of fillings, both looked a little nonplussed but the wife replied. </p><p>“Dolma, hadhih nabatiat zujiun mukhtalita.”</p><p>“There you go Erin, they’re dolma.”</p><p>Erin and Claire exchanged exasperated glances but decided it would be better not to say anything.  Luckily James chose this moment to return with the booze.</p><p>A few minutes passed during which Michelle downed several glasses of vodka barely discoloured with coke.  Erin and Claire had club orange despite offers from Michelle and James and Orla were sipping some sort of odd smelling purple syrup.</p><p>“Here Orla, what’s that stuff you’re on?”</p><p>“Jallab.”</p><p>“Five seconds to apologise or you’re wearing it!”</p><p>“No it’s called jallab, it’s a grape drink.”</p><p>“You two are seriously feckin weird; you turn down vodka and coke for flat shloer?” </p><p>The waiter chose this moment to arrive with plates.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Some serious conflict.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A 2nd waiter arrived with a giant silver tray containing what looked like a tapas.</p><p>Michelle of course had to ask what it was to which he replied.  “Meze.”</p><p>“It’s not that messy, he didn’t spill any of it.”<br/>
Apart from James who had apparently been a regular at Sababa of Soho everyone approached the dishes with a great degree of trepidation.  Oblivious that Orla was giving him the odd admiring glance he started to portion out the food so that everyone was able to try all of the dishes.  Oddly Orla had become very protective of what appeared to be a seeded pizza but due to the variety of foods on the table everyone got a fair chance to try all the flavours.</p><p>The conversation returned to the subject of Jenny Joyce’s boyfriend.  Some rumours said he was a DJ on Altnagelvin hospital radio others that he had a job in the little block of shops across the road.</p><p>“Why would a DJ wanna buck Jenny Joyce?”</p><p>“He’s on hospital radio, not Q radio.”</p><p>“He’d need to be under anaesthetic to get under thon.  Talking of bucks that guy in the chef’s uniform is a serious ride.”</p><p>Erin and Clare exchanged weary glances but James and especially Orla were too gastronomically distracted.</p><p>“Here do ya think if I spilt some of that flat Shloer stuff on my top he’d help me wipe it off?”</p><p>Erin offered the advice “Michelle, he’s close on old enough to be your da.”</p><p>“To quote Dolly, I’m old enough to be that boy’s lover.  Mind you, you could be right I’ll try the direct approach.”</p><p>At this, fate intervened in a way that anyone on a lower plane than the almighty would’ve considered either mysterious or just straight up mental.  The chef approached their table to ask how their meal had been when Michelle jumped to her feet and floored him with a Lou Thesz press that ‘The Juicer’ would’ve been proud of.  She then started smothering her unsuspecting prey in kisses and trying to rip off his chef’s uniform.</p><p>The rest of the group sat at their table and did very little to interfere.  James because he knew his cousin had to try for every man she saw, Orla and Erin were eating and enjoying the spectacle respectively and Clare was in the middle of a titanic cack attack.  Plus the fella seemed to be enjoying some if not all that was happening.</p><p>The tableaux continued for a few seconds longer before the blonde maitre’d came barrelling across the restaurant with a face on her like a skelped arse. She clattered into Michelle grabbing her by the hair but her greasy hands meant that all she managed to do was separate the pair rather than gain any sort of advantage in a fight.</p><p>“So you’re the bitch sniffing around my husband, by the time I’m done with you Nichola Mallon you’ll be talkin’ wi a limp.”</p><p>Before Michelle could process the fact that her Belfast born cousin’s name was in the mix, the older woman had grabbed for her hair and was trying to gain a leverage advantage using her height and weight.  Thanking her lucky stars that she hadn’t worn her hoop earrings Michelle reciprocated, aiming her nails for the older woman’s eyes and grabbing at her hair with her weaker left hand.  Within a second the two were rolling on the floor, brawling like hellcats and screaming insults at each other, much to the surprise of the other patrons.</p><p>Recovering from her latest panic Clare predictably asked.  “Erin, what should we do?  Should we call the cops or try and help her or break it up?”</p><p>“Break it up, wise the bap Clare it’d take three men and a wee lad to break thon up.”</p><p>As if to prove Erin’s point a waitress tried to separate the two but was flung across the room by her boss with the words.  “This dirty little slut is mine!”</p><p>Although she was still fighting hard Michelle had been pinned by the older woman and it was all she could do to deflect the blows aimed at her face.  Fortunately for her help arrived from an unexpected quarter.  James and Orla had worked their way around behind the combatants and whether by luck or judgement had managed to hook an arm each dragging her kicking and screaming off Michelle.  Ever the opportunist Michelle swung her left fist the way her uncle had taught her and landed a glancing blow on the blonde’s ear.  The blow whilst not particularly forceful landed well and knocked the wronged wife to jelly as it disturbed her inner ear.  As a result James and Orla were able to haul the older woman away with comparative ease propping her up against a nearby table.</p><p>“Well not quite three men and a wee lad but close.  How’d ye manage that James?”</p><p>“Michelle made me watch the wrestling a few times, doesn’t take a computer to predict a sneak attack will work.  After she flung that poor waitress across the floor she wasn’t expecting anyone else to try.</p><p>“That Gaylord made me watch the wrestling.  Mind you some of them are rides, especially that Total Package fella.  Here speaking of packages where’d that chef guy go.  He could double as a petrol pump if you know what I mean.”</p><p>She paused for a split second before continuing.  “Dick like a fire hose, no wonder she fought like Big Mandy on steroids.  So where is loverboy then? ”</p><p>They cast a glance around the now virtually empty restaurant and saw a two figures ducking into the kitchen.  As bold as ever Michelle followed them in to see the chef comforting the waitress.  The two leapt apart somewhat guiltily and she realised that there had been more to the situation than met the eye.  Before she could open her mouth, however, the chef decided to put forward his explanation.</p><p>“I am Iskandar Bashir from the town of Byblos in the middle of the Lebanese coast.  I came here with my wife Una who I met when she visited my country.  We had a large house with many vines and olive trees and a restaurant overlooking the Mediterranean Sea but it wasn’t enough for her.  She insisted we had to come here to Derry.  I’m a Maronite Christian which an eastern part of Catholicism but everyone here thinks I’m a Paki or a muslim.  I just want to go home but she is from a bad family, she has a suspended sentence for attacking a young girl on Pump Street who asked me if I had the time?”</p><p> With the effects of the vodka having been suppressed by adrenalin, Michelle found herself feeling sorry for the man but still had to ask.  “So what’ll you do?”</p><p>Before the man could reply Michelle had a brainwave.  She’d overheard Mary and Sarah talking about how Una O’Haire from Culdaff Gardens had beaten up some wee doll a few weeks previous.</p><p>“A bad family?  I suppose that was true in the 70’s but since her Da is in a wheelchair and her Ma has enough to do lookin’ after her sister’s wee uns there’ll not be much trouble from that quarter.  Her brother Matty thought he was a hard lad but you see the wee blonde doll at our table?  Her grandpa knocked him out cold in the pub the other night so he’ll have trouble raising a bus fare let alone support to attack a respectable businessman with a risk of an aggravated tariff if he’s caught.”</p><p>She paused for breath before continuing.<br/>
“As for Una you tell her that ABH of a minor plus assault on her waitress would not only breach her suspension but add quite a few years onto the stretch.  Offer her a percentage of the proceeds from the sale of this place but insist on a divorce.  I know you’re not animale but I reckon she’ll jump at a chance to save her own neck.”</p><p>Iskandar looked her as if an angel had just rescued him from torment in purgatory but before he could say anything the waitress stood up and kissed her lightly on the cheek, muttering a simple.  “Thank you.  I love him.”</p><p>Iskandar then managed to find his voice and shouted after the retreating Michelle.  “Tell Declan, the long haired waiter that your meal is on me.”</p><p>Unbeknownst to Michelle, Erin and James had been within earshot of the kitchen door and had heard everything Michelle had said to the couple in the kitchen.</p><p>“How did you know all about that divorce stuff?”</p><p>“Oh that.  I got this cracker DVD off Pirate Pauline….”</p><p>Before Michelle could elaborate Clare dashed over to the trio in her usual panic.</p><p>“It’s Orla, she’s ordered a dozen of those pizza things to take home.”</p><p>“Calm yerself Clare.  With yer face like that a sniper wouldn’t take ye oot never mind some wee doll.”</p><p>“Aye let’s go find this Declan and head up the hill.”</p><p>“You’re really buzzin off them pizza things aren’t ye Orla.”</p><p>“Aye I love sayin the name too.  Let’s get home and see what’s on the telly.”</p><p>They dragged a protesting Clare over to the pay desk where a cheery Declan waved them on.  With a nod and a wink he said.</p><p>“Well it looks like I’m off to work in the real Byblos.”</p><p>At that they beat a hasty retreat up the hill towards home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1.  Line Dancing was huge in Derry in the 90's.  This song had a high energy dance routine named after it.  Dolly Parton &amp; Friends.  https://youtu.be/afF3XHW7mZ4<br/>2.  In this era ITV and then C5 were showing WCW wrestling late at night.  The Juicer / Art Barr (move at 2:37).  https://youtu.be/afF3XHW7mZ4<br/>2b.  The reference to needing a computer for a sneak attack is also from WCW.  Alexandra York (later Marlena in WWF) was a computer wielding heel manager.<br/>3.  The animale line is from the 1990 film Goodfellas.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>1.  Boxer Beat.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vncoh-yJ9nw<br/>2.  Gainsborough bar.  https://uk.local.yahoo.com/info-2053286000-gainsborough-bar-londonderry;_ylt=AwrJQ5vjKOFf7mUA8BYPvGRH;_ylu=Y29sbwNpcjIEcG9zAzEEdnRpZANDMDYxM18xBHNlYwNzYw--<br/>3.  Byblos.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Byblos<br/>4.  Lebanese Dolmas.  https://www.natalieparamore.com/lebanese-lamb-dolmas/<br/>5.  Jallab.  https://honestcooking.com/jallab-a-refreshingly-sweet-summer-drink/<br/>6.  Derry City actually does have a Lebanese restaurant called the Cedar, some good grub.  https://cedarlebanese.webs.com/</p></blockquote></div></div>
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